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Wednesday, January 10, 2007

It's year 2007. i'm just glad year 2006 is over. all the things i really want to say will never be said here. i don't know why i continue to write in this blog anyway. i am considering shutting it down. the things of 2006 have made me a different person. sometimes i wonder who is that girl standing in the mirror. do i really know what i want, or possibly what God wants for me? those decisions that might never come by again, that i have already made, did i really know what i was doing?

the things i've seen and been through. all that hatred and bitterness gnawing my insides. i am numbed by the pain, the pain i will feel if i let it get to me, i have cried till i'm empty, and given till i'm dry. i fear of the day i might not feel a thing anymore. One thing constant in all this craziness is God, and i only live on with his Hope..if not there's nothing worth living for.

the resonating sound of this house
was it called home
or an empty shell
after a weary day
i open the door with a fear
of broken glass and shards
of piercing words of blood and poison
of faded love and darkened wisdom
of shattered dreams,stifled lives
of a resounding echo of death

the life in me halves each time
an angry knife is stabbed right deep within
something pure stained
do you know the love,joy and peace that was robbed from me
was replaced by the hurt, betrayal and hatred
respect by contempt
i want to laugh, not out of how i usually laugh so easily
but because i'm feeling cynical and crazy

i try to look for you on every bus that passes
every room i think 'maybe u're in there'
every corner i turn
but i don't know who i am looking for
i laugh at myself, cos i look so pathetic.
even this post i think twice about posting
cos of the consequences i have to face
people asking questions
the questions you have left me to answer
the impact on people whom i love and lead

hence i will stop here
maybe for good
maybe when i feel like i got something better to say
maybe when i don't have to delete the things i really want to say
maybe when.


I pretended I'm glad you went away
These four walls closin' more every day
And I'm dying inside
And nobody knows it but me

Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
Now I'm cryin' inside
And nobody knows it but me


E.E. Cummings - I Carry Your Heart With Me
I carry your heart with me,i carry it inMy heart
i am never without it
anywhereI go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
By only me is your doing,my darling
I fear No fate
for you are my fate,my sweet
i want No world
for beautiful you are my world,my true
And it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
And whatever a sun will always sing is you
Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
And the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
Higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide
And this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart
i carry it in my heart