Thursday, January 11, 2007
i can't believe this. i must be the kuku-est person on earth. do u know where i am now? i am at arts central library at 8 plus in the morning and i thought i was freaking half an hour late for the lecture cos it was raining and the traffic was crawling today...i was rushing, i got down at commonwealth thinking of taking a cab down cos NOBODY strolls into french half an hour late. the lecture is only how big- 30 ppl and the lecturer will sure aim me next time lor. i got down at commonwealth which was always always empty with alot of cabs, i can normally get one in a min. BUT today there was a long line of people and no cabs!!! i made a quick decision to hop onto the first bus i saw at the bus stop which brought me to the next bus stop to take 95. 95 came swiftly but traffic was slow. i reached arts at 830, and ran to as4. i looked into the lect room and discovered it empty. panic. mental note that i will definitely miss class this time. went to central library and to ivle. i went to the same page i went yesterday to check info for french. i missed the last line on the page. lectures start 15th jan. next week!!! i woke up early for nothing. i look like shit and i'm aching everywhere. i really want to bang my head against the wall.ok after all the complaining, i really need to look at the flipside and thank God for the long line of people so i din waste money taking cab, thank God for a friend who was an angel at 7 plus inthe morning to help me check where my lesson was, thank God for letting me wake up alittle later so i slept a little more. ha.my next lesson is at 2pm. bah. hoho. i don't feel so bad anymore. buti really want to sleep. ha. God,pls help me to be less blur.
4:57 PM.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
It's year 2007. i'm just glad year 2006 is over. all the things i really want to say will never be said here. i don't know why i continue to write in this blog anyway. i am considering shutting it down. the things of 2006 have made me a different person. sometimes i wonder who is that girl standing in the mirror. do i really know what i want, or possibly what God wants for me? those decisions that might never come by again, that i have already made, did i really know what i was doing? the things i've seen and been through. all that hatred and bitterness gnawing my insides. i am numbed by the pain, the pain i will feel if i let it get to me, i have cried till i'm empty, and given till i'm dry. i fear of the day i might not feel a thing anymore. One thing constant in all this craziness is God, and i only live on with his Hope..if not there's nothing worth living for. the resonating sound of this house
was it called home
or an empty shell
after a weary day
i open the door with a fear
of broken glass and shards
of piercing words of blood and poison
of faded love and darkened wisdom
of shattered dreams,stifled lives
of a resounding echo of death
the life in me halves each time
an angry knife is stabbed right deep within
something pure stained
do you know the love,joy and peace that was robbed from me
was replaced by the hurt, betrayal and hatred
respect by contempt
i want to laugh, not out of how i usually laugh so easily
but because i'm feeling cynical and crazy
i try to look for you on every bus that passes
every room i think 'maybe u're in there'
every corner i turn
but i don't know who i am looking for
i laugh at myself, cos i look so pathetic.
even this post i think twice about posting
cos of the consequences i have to face
people asking questions
the questions you have left me to answer
the impact on people whom i love and lead
hence i will stop here
maybe for good
maybe when i feel like i got something better to say
maybe when i don't have to delete the things i really want to say
maybe when.
I pretended I'm glad you went awayThese four walls closin' more every dayAnd I'm dying insideAnd nobody knows it but meLike a clown I put on a showThe pain is real even if nobody knowsNow I'm cryin' insideAnd nobody knows it but meE.E. Cummings - I Carry Your Heart With Me
I carry your heart with me,i carry it inMy hearti am never without itanywhereI go you go,my dear; and whatever is doneBy only me is your doing,my darlingI fear No fatefor you are my fate,my sweeti want No worldfor beautiful you are my world,my trueAnd it’s you are whatever a moon has always meantAnd whatever a sun will always sing is you
Here is the deepest secret nobody knowshere is the root of the root and the bud of the budAnd the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which growsHigher than the soul can hope or mind can hideAnd this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
I carry your hearti carry it in my heart
6:59 AM.