Just US!
4:02 AM.
the girls outing out before school reopened
4:00 AM.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Do you know what it's like to give your whole self to a person, and your whole heart to boot, until you've got nothing left to give- and then realize that it still isn't what they need?
Love is a strange thing.
You realize why people say when u fall in love u really hit rock bottom? it hurts. falling in love may be nice when u still are in mid air. but when u end up on the floor with your heart broken, dreams shattered, whole world feels like its crashing. U slip into oblivion. why falling? cos u nv know when u r going to slip.
i sound damn depressed la. ha. when u just about going to hit 21, u start thinking abt growing up.growing up is the time where u know those dreams, dramas, scenarios and fairy tales cooked up in our minds since we were young and impressionable will always be fairy tales. they never happen. Yes yes, fall in love at 16 and end up married to our first love and have a great life with a car, a condo and kids, retire, travel the world, die in the arms of the man u love. Lovely. I used to think that. Its boring, but its stable. Actually most ppl would want to have boring lives. But when i think abt it now, no. I want to do something radical, out of the ordinary. but like what?
I'm still waiting for an answer.
I want to do so many things. Like learn how to ride a motorbike, get my own vespa, try and audition to do a own show in cafes and bars, dance, explore the world, do more sports, try extreme sports. I want to be confident. I want to do so many things, but there are things that hold me back. I could have applied for canada for sep. I knew the dateline. I could have done all i can and done it early IF i really wanted to go. WHY cant i leave s'pore behind for just 4 mths? i have no idea. am i afraid of losing the things i love here? am i afraid of trying sth new?
I know i no need to base my self worth on how ppl think of me. cos i have God. God determines my self worth. He determines my future. cos i know if i follow him and His will i will be complete. But sometimes being human means we make mistakes, means we think badly of ourselves, means it haunts us. and so when ppl look at us, it seems they can see right thru us to the core of the dirt in our lives.
Thank God He forgives and washes away sins. If i din have Him, I wouldn't be here.
I want to be less self conscious. and I not knowingly always hunch my back. Sometimes i think i'm not good enough. Sometimes i just think i can never do it. Sometimes i think i have to earn people's love. Like i cant be good enough for them to love by their own will. Sometimes i just need people to notice me so i can make a statement to the world. I think there was a time i loved in my utmost capacity. I put in my all. my time. my world. my everything. I staked everything on something that i thought would never fail. i guess i was just standing on a plain that collapsed into a crevice. Or on a cliff whose edges crumbled.
Love is patient, love is kind
It does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self seeking,
it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs
Love does not delight in evil,
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always perseveres
Who can ever love in such a perfect manner? not one of us. Only God can.
Man fail, but my God doesn't.
That's y He's great.
*wanting isn't the same as loving*
8:32 AM.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Heroes don't leap from tall buildings or stop bullets with an outstretched hand; they don't wear boots or capes. They bleed, and they bruise, and their super powers are as simple as listening, or loving. Heroes are ordinary people who know that even if their own lives are impossibly knotted, they would untangle someone else's.
i hope i can be a hero to someone who needs one.
* new yr resolution *
get myself a riding license.
7:48 AM.